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The Ethics of Birthday Party Invitations
One might think that there is nothing more innocent and freeing than extending birthday party invitations. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Because planning children’s birthday parties and delivering invitations is a minefield full of ethical hurdles and bomb traps. Here are three points to help you maneuver the maze.
Tip #1: Invitation Sticks
How tempting it is for a child to receive an invitation to a birthday party after the conflict has entered a friendship. “You’re not invited to my birthday party anymore!” is a common school yard color. However, it is important for your child to know that an invitation, like a gift, cannot be returned. It is best to wait four weeks before the date of the party before giving the invitation, verbally or in writing.
He is the rare child who doesn’t care about the upcoming birthday. I once heard Sam’s 9-year-old sister say, “So, Sam, you’re going to see all your friends this afternoon.”
He looked up. “Why?”
“Today is your birthday!” he shouted, furious.
“Oh,” he said with a shrug. “Right.”
Other teenagers begin serious planning for the next birthday party when the ribbons from the current party are cut off the floor. In between, there are children of different tendencies. Here’s your cue: As your child begins to verbalize plans for the next birthday party, say: “Remember, don’t invite anyone until [give a date four weeks before the party or a reference point such as a holiday, beginning/end of school, etc.] You never know who you will be friends with. Because once you give an invitation, it stays.”
Tip #2: A guest is 100% invited
Layering guests is another common dynamic. Teens will freely announce who is “in line” for their birthday party. Yet drawing a waiting list very clearly indicates to the waiting children their second, lower rank. It is better for your child to understand that if a guest is invited, the guest is one hundred percent invited.
Friends who weren’t invited to the party may ask your child, “How come I wasn’t invited to your birthday?” or follow: “You are invited mine.” Your child could respond with, “I just gave permission [#] guest Do you want to come over to my house early to play?” Then set up a play date.
In the suburbs, it’s not uncommon for kids to invite a large number of guests to an afternoon party, and from that group, a smaller number of “close” friends to stay for an evening or slumber party. If your child suggests such an arrangement, do not believe for a second that the guests who are not invited to stay will not know more about the desire for a party later. Word will spread faster than a birthday present is unwrapped. Those not invited will be immediately and disappointingly aware of their diminished stature. More than once, I’ve picked up my daughter from a birthday party to find her fighting back tears, while other parents nearby were similarly comforting their children, left behind, and knowing right the party had just started.
Make sure your child understands that when a guest is invited, the guest is one hundred percent invited.
Tip #3: Distribute invitations separately
Completing and sending birthday party invitations is a tedious task. It’s no wonder parents are tempted to make the process fun and personally hand out birthday party invitations at school.
When my youngest daughter Hannah was in preschool, I noticed parents hiding birthday party invitations in the children’s outdoor flower squares. Although this method did not cause problems when all the children in the class were invited to a party, it became very clear to them when some young people were invited and others were not – especially when the invitations were in colored envelopes. was not invited because the envelope was not included her cubbyhole. In the preschool years, it’s best if parents give direct invitations to other parents or caregivers. Or, if that’s not possible due to work schedules, shoot and send. Better yet, send invitations by email if that’s an acceptable option.
It follows the trend of distributing invitations in public places with notes. In the crowd following a high school play, I witnessed a child handing out birthday party invitations to the happy crowd around her. Looking around, I saw other young people watching the excitement, and they were not happy about it.
Let these three points guide you in avoiding ethical pitfalls in the world of birthday party invitations. It may not be too much of a stretch to say that the genre of children’s birthday party invitations represents a microcosm of American moral practices. Because these kinds of daily family dynamics are not in our lives?
So treat those birthday parties with passion, strength and knowledge. With your guidance, give your child another – more lasting – gift.
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