Old Fashioned Way Of Saying You Are Dying Or Dead The Long Term Effects of Not Supporting Children Through Their Grief and Grieving Process

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The Long Term Effects of Not Supporting Children Through Their Grief and Grieving Process

I can only speak from my own experience. This is all I know. Others may have experienced what I experienced differently, with different results, but this is what happened to me.

My 7-year-old sister died in an accident when she was 12 years old. My whole family was destroyed. My parents were so sad that they just couldn’t talk about what happened and about my sister who died. They couldn’t talk about the tragic loss that put a huge stop in their lives, so much so that my sister’s name was mentioned at least a few times over the next 15+ years. My mother died last year, 30 years after my sister, and none of us ever told what happened to my sister. It is still a taboo subject, hidden both in our minds and our consciousness.

At the age of twelve I was in my early teens and the teenage years and the normal angst that goes with them were buried under the weight of my sister’s death and the emotional chaos that ensued within me.

My sister’s sudden death was such a shock that I have very few memories of her – within a few weeks of her death I blocked out the Christmas party that happened just 9 days before she died. I still haven’t gotten those memories.

When my sister died, there was such chaos on a physical and emotional level that we went to stay with my grandparents for a few weeks. My whole life turned upside down in one evening and I barely remember those early days. Life was about organizing the funeral. The church was packed with friends, family and almost everyone from my sister’s school. It was a great experience. I still remember my father struggling to hold back tears as we stood in church during the service.

Once my sister was buried, that was it. The talks and assurances that have not been made so far have not yet been fulfilled. I was filled with sadness and emotions, yet they were not listed. Days and weeks and months passed in silence. I started to accept on some level that we are not going to talk about what happened. I was left alone with my thoughts to find a way out – even my friends at school were ordered by the teachers not to talk to me about my sister. I was completely beside myself and could not understand the silence. However there seemed to be no way to break it. I didn’t know what to say. And as time went by, I started to think that if my parents didn’t talk about Simone anymore, maybe it was because she wasn’t important. Maybe they forgot about it. Maybe they didn’t like it. And if he didn’t love her, then he didn’t love me either. With no emotional or physical reassurance (we weren’t a family that hugged each other or told each other we loved them) I felt like I had nothing to say that this wasn’t true. So I started to believe. Now I was not only dealing with the loss of my sister and the silence of my parents, but it was also having a profound effect on my values ​​and love. I started to hate myself. The pain only increased.

I didn’t see my parents doing anything wrong or neglecting me, because they didn’t feel that they did me wrong. What they could do, no one can do more.

I am still working on these problems since my childhood. It has been a long journey and although I no longer hate myself, I am quick to judge myself and have suffered long bouts of depression throughout my life.

Today there are more resources for those experiencing the loss of a child. In 1980, my parents left me alone. My surviving sister advised me for several weeks, but I got nothing. At the age of 12, I was caught between the worlds of adults and children. I will engage in adult conversation rather than playing with my sisters. still inside, emotionally, I was still a child. And even though I needed love and reassurance and someone to talk to during this saddest time, I didn’t get it, my emotional needs weren’t being met.

I am sharing this because I want to raise your awareness on this topic. If you have lost a child, then make sure the needs of your surviving children are met. This may not be easy to determine, especially if they are usually quiet and don’t share much. However, you need to make sure that it is necessary for your child. Maybe ask a friend (if your child is 11 or older) to pay attention to them, or maybe ask a close family member or friend to set aside a special time for them to talk freely if they want They might just do things as a family and assure everyone how incredibly loved they are (buying toys doesn’t count!). Look for resources in your local area or online that can help. Grief and grief are not only difficult for you, but also for your children. If you can’t help them, find someone who can.

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